Monday, March 17, 2008

Ship of State Ahoy!

I've been thinking a lot about our Presidency, partly because it seems like it's been in the news a lot, partly because one of the side effects of having a God complex is that you assume all powerful positions of leadership should be personally vetted by you. (I'm kidding, of course. How could God have a complex?)

Anyway, it seems to me that this system's all messed up. (I know, I'm the first person ever to have this revelation. Bear with me.) The candidates battle it out for months, digging up more and more dirt on each other until all of them look like complete tools (a process which should take hours, by the way). Eventually, the (usually) lesser of two evils is elected. No matter who wins, though, it won't be long before some sort of crisis comes along that he or she--ha! I kill me--he can't handle quickly enough or cheaply enough or manfully enough, and America thinks he's even more of a tool than they already do. Things go downhill for the remainder of four years, then repeat.

Seriously. This is dumb. But I have a solution.

Hang on, I just found out what the President makes in a year. I don't think I could feed my family on that.

Never fear, I have another solution.

Look, being a President is a big job. Huge. Too big, some might say, for one man. So what's to do?

I see you're right there with me. And you're right: the solution is simple. Multiple Presidents.

But we're not talking a council. This isn't a democracy. No, we're going to recognize that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and like a baseball manager, you need to match those strengths to the task at hand. You don't send in your left to face a left-handed batter, do you? Or wait, do you? Anyway, it's not important. It's the manager's job.

But how do we select these fine leaders? Simple: we take the most experienced ones available. No, I'm not talking about actual Presidents--haven't we just established that they were no good? Being the President is all about image and inspiring confidence. So let's get the people who looked the best at the job.

For the ordinary day-to-day political stuff, we'll have Martin Sheen. Terrorists attack? Dennis Haysbert sits in the big chair. Comet coming to wipe us all out? Morgan Freeman's the man. Alien invasion? I want Bill Pullman in the Oval Office (or in an F-18). Harrison Ford would pretty much just ride around on Air Force One at all times. Geena Davis could...um...well, maybe not every fictional President would need to have a role. We could figure that out as we go.

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