Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Am Tina Turner

Unfortunately, my chosen career path is Ike. It frustrates me on a daily basis. I used to just go home angry; now I go in angry, too. Road rage? No, just office rage that keeps getting out of the office. Well, that and a lot of moronic drivers on my commute.

My work desk was purchased from IBM in a surplus sale sometime in the 1980's. As near as I can tell, IBM got rid of it for being too conservative. Anyway, it's got those pull-out extensions on either side, just above the drawers, designed to give you more work surface when the rest of your desktop is too covered in hookers and blow. For about the last six months, I've had an eight and a half by eleven photocopy of my middle finger taped to one. Whenever I'm getting particularly frustrated with someone, I just pull out the desk extension, smile, and put it back. Lately, I've been pulling it out upwards of three or four times a day.

(Now there's a phrase I never thought I'd be able to say about the office!)

Seriously, at some point, you just have to say, "Enough." Which I suppose would make me more like Julia Roberts or Jennifer Lopez than Tina Turner, but I have a little more self-respect than that.

So what to do about it? The obvious answer, of course, is nothing. The slightly less obvious answer involves doing unfunny things with firearms, high explosives, and/or a naked molerat. A safer answer would be to find a new job, but having done that three different times already, and found myself in the a similar place after a similar interval every single time, it's becoming obvious that just getting a beating from a different-looking guy probably isn't a long-term solution. It's time to find a guy who will let me wear the strap-on.

You know, this whole extended metaphor is getting odd. Time to give it a rest. I am no longer Tina Turner.

I think my dream career still involves getting paid for sarcasm, rather than simply giving it away for free. Let me start with just getting my writing stuff in order. If any of the three people who read this know of a really well-organized writer's website that I can plagiarize wholesale, feel free to post it in the comments.

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