Tuesday, September 04, 2007

You Make The Call

Is anyone else reading this even remotely old enough to remember that TV spot? (Or should I just stop that question after "this"?) They would show a potentially controversial sports play (like, say, A-Rod slapping Arroyo during the 2004 ALCS, or A-Rod shouting at the Toronto infielder during a routine pop-up, or A-Rod killing and eating babies and copping an attitude), then stop the film just before the crucial referee's ruling, and an impressive announcer voice would say, "You make the call." Then they would cut to commercial, and come back afterwards to give you the correct ruling, so you could celebrate like a madman if you were correct, or pat each other on the butt if you were wrong.

I have nothing so exciting as sports plays to offer you, but I do have HR nightmares. Lots and lots of HR nightmares. Why don't you take a crack at a few:

1. Your IT department has just found a large cache of pornographic images on the company server. They traced the folder to one of your managers, whom you have confronted. Which of these responses are you least expecting?

a) "Uhhhh..."
b) "Someone must have hacked my user ID and put those there to frame me!"
c) "Oh, those? Yeah, those are mine. What's your point?"
d) "Does this mean I won't be getting the additional server space I requested?"

You make the call!

2. Which of the following might be considered Justifiable Stealing?

a) Eating condiments out of the office fridge because you forgot lunch and are too cheap to buy any.
b) Using the company's FedEx account to overnight a birthday card to Europe because you put off sending it until the day before.
c) "Borrowing" the conference room TV for your Super Bowl party, so you won't miss any action while going to the kitchen for more bean dip.
d) Approving a round of low-priced stock options for the Compensation Committee, which in turn approves a 33% pay increase for you.

You make the call!

3. After months of poor performance, late arrivals, threatened lawsuits, unsubstantiated disability claims ("I am sensitive to criticism! It's a documented medical condition and you have to be nicer to me!"), management has had it. You have built an ironclad case to let your problem employee go. The employee knows it's coming. What should you wear to the termination meeting?

a) Business suit
b) Kevlar vest
c) Bomb Disposal Suit
d) Something that will hide the bloodstains

You make the call!

4. Rank these statements from "Most likely to provoke a harassment lawsuit" to "Least likely to provoke a harassment lawsuit."

a) "Well, of course you can't see it...you're Korean."
b) "What do you mean, you won't move those files? Are you afraid you'll break a nail?"
c) "Hey, once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian."
d) "My little grandson is just the cutest thing...and let me tell you, that boy has a whompin' penis! Do you want to see some pictures?"

You make the call!

5. Which of these is the least appropriate statement for a corporate officer to make during the hiring process?

a) "You know that candidate is clinically insane, right?"
b) "If we hired you, do you have any plans to become pregnant in the next year or two?"
c) "I'd really rather not hire an Asian person, I have a lot of trouble understanding what they're saying."
d) "You know, marriage is really just a social construct that goes against all our genetic programming. We're hard-wired to cheat on my spouse...I mean, our spouses."

You make the call!


Anonymous said...

Dude, this was waaay too funny. The only problem, I REALLY want to know the answers to the questions. What are the CALLS, dammit...I NEED to KNOW!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I am with garagespin! Which ones really happened? Or were you saying all of the possibilities really happened???

Office Overlord said...

All of the responses happened, but, a few of them happened in different contexts. The "we're hard-wired to cheat" comment actually came during an office social outing rather than an interview, and was spoken to a subordinate (of the opposite sex) rather than a candidate...although that might actually make it funnier, I'm not sure.

Unknown said...

How many overlord dictations can I catch up on and respond to in one night? YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!