Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Get on Down

So it turns out that it's possible there may be someone out there who reads this from time to time. Who knew?

In that case, I owe it to him or her to update this at least once every two months. And since I have no particularly good ideas at the moment, I'll take three draws from my Handy Bag of Popular Writing Cliches, and combine whatever I get to form an idea for this post. For those of you who write, I highly recommend keeping such a bag handy; you never know when you may need a cliche on short notice. Just look at the last few seasons of The Simpsons. Or, actually, don't.

OK, drawing now...

"Top Ten List".

OK, those aren't bad, I can always form an opinion or ten on demand.


Predictions can be fun. Well, unless you have to write them down and leave them somewhere for people to see and poke fun at you later. But hey, law of averages says that I'll be right some of the time, right? Just so long as it's not about something that's left completely up to the whims of the lowest common denominator, like NASCAR fans or the FOX network.

"American Idol".


Well, if that's what I've got to work with, that's what I've got to work with. At least I know that only the one person reading this will ever know how wrong I was.

Here we go, in the order in which I'm predicting their departure, your American Idol Top Ten:

10. Chris Sligh - Already gone, so this is not so much a prediction as an excuse to use the following quote:

"So, by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, it would cease to be a filthy animal."
"Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Sorry, Chris. You were charming in the beginning, but in the end, personality will only get you so far.

On a side note, Chris (and I feel like I can talk to you on a first-name basis because "Mr. Sligh" sounds too much like a weird Mutiny on the Bounty reference), your best bet right now for future success is to shut the hell up and stop with the "Yeah, I was, like, totally going to quit anyway, because I didn't really want to win" nonsense. It's like calling your ex-girlfriend and telling her that it doesn't matter that she didn't return your previous thirty-five messages, because you're breaking up with her. You showed her! Just disappear from view for a while and wait for your chance to open the tour with a stand-up routine. You'll kill 'em.

9. Gina Glocksen - This one disappoints me, because I like Gina and I think she's better than this. Ah, well.

8. Phil Stacey - On the plus side, now he can concentrate full-time on preparing for his role in the Yul Brynner biography.

7. Haley Scarnato - Haley, top seven? I know! But I have to give her credit for figuring out the formula that got Katharine McPhee to the finals: showcase your best assets and don't sing objectionably bad. Unfortunately, a nice pair of gams will never take you as far as a nice pair of hooters. (That's a tip from your Uncle Overlord, kids, write that down.)

As long as I'm making bold predictions into space, I'll predict Haley's wardrobe for her last few episodes: I'm thinking a dress slit up to there for Tony Bennett week, a miniskirt or hot pants for Latin week, and Daisy Dukes for her final appearance on Country week. That'll be it though, barring some sort of full monty wardrobe malfunction.

6. Sanjaya Malakar - Sanjaya, top six? Well, Howard Stern has a lot of loyal fans, although apparently not as many as Sirius quite literally bargained for. That said, some of them are even capable of dialing a telephone, as evidenced by his show. And this is not completely without precedent; Jon Peter Lewis made the top eight by channeling Napoleon Dynamite. Heck, Scott Freakin' Savol was top five just by getting in touch with his inner blackness. I don't think it's a reach to put Sanjaya here unless the hairstylist somehow runs out of ideas. With a French twist, dreadlocks, a beehive, and Pippi Longstocking yet to go, I think he can pull it off.

Anyone else think the stylists are just screwing with America and Sanjaya at this point? The hair's the obvious clue, but even wardrobe--I mean, the dude wore a sweater with thumbholes in the sleeves. Thumbholes! I can't decide if there's some sort of backstage pool going to see who can talk him into the most ridiculous getup, or if they've embraced his "So bad he's good" status and are pushing it as far as they can. The only other thing I can think of is that his older sister is giving him tips while still secretly seething with jealousy. Maybe it's a little from all three columns.

Anyway, Sanjaya lasts until May sweeps start, thousands of knuckleheads who think that they're screwing with American Idol keep watching and voting for the wost, and Simon laughs all the way to the bank. It's the American dream.

5. Justin Timberfake - Honestly, I find myself liking Chris in spite of me. I just wish he would stop moving when he sings. At all.

4. Blake Lewis - Week four always sends someone home too soon. (See Gray, Tamyra; Gracin, Joshua; London, LaToya (though only barely too soon); and Daughtry, Chris.) On the bright side, they usually end up doing pretty well for themselves. (See almost all of the above...sorry, LaToya.) Blake will have moved from "Dark Horse" to "Front Runner" just in time to be "Example To Those Who Didn't Vote For Him Because He Was The Front Runner".

3. LaKisha Jones - This feels about right. Sorry, LaKisha, but ultimately, we are a shallow, shallow people.

2. Jordin Sparks - While I don't like the Season 3 parallels (talented youngster vs. hard-working and talented veteran in the finals), what can I say? This is where you've brought us, people.

And that means that your 2007 American Idol winner is:

1. Melinda Doolittle - Ooo, way to pick the favorite to win! Ooo, big shocker! Ooo, why don't you go a little further out on that limb and actually break contact with the trunk, you loser!

Yeah, yeah, I hear your scathing remarks, Lone Reader of this Blog. (And let me tell you, Mom, those hurt.) But seriously, how could you pick anyone else?

  • She's in the top three, if not the top one, in terms of talent;
  • she has experience and stage presence;
  • she consistently chooses her songs well;
  • she grew up in Oklahoma and resides in Nashville (the South *always* wins Idol); and
  • as long as she doesn't overplay the "Aw, shucks" thing for too much longer, there's nothing about her personality that could turn voters off.
Give her Haley's legs and Katharine's boobs, and you'd have the perfect American Idol contestant. As it is, she should have more than enough to take this season.

Now I'm off to have my bracket destroyed by Tony Bennett week. Laters!