Three things I've learned about parenting in not quite four months:
1. Babies need to come with cheat codes. Seriously, wtf? I'm part of a glorious generation in which we've learned to face challenges via the medium of video games. If you get frustrated by a video game, you can hop onto Google, bounce over to any of a dozen gaming sites, and quickly find out what code you need to enter in order to get a few extra lives or unlimited gold. This is how things should be.
I tried that when my son was going through his "Everything's fine, must be time to scream for a while" phase. Googling "Baby Cheat Codes" turned up four sites of codes for video games with the word "Baby" in the title, five that told you how to unlock baby-related content in video games (i.e., Prince of Persia's "Baby Toy of Death"), and one album on CDBaby.com entitled "Cheat Codes". There's clearly an untapped market here. Why can't our secret government programs quit trying to genetically engineer a super-soldier and get working on a baby who can be programmed to change himself? Speaking of which...
2. It's possible for a 17-pound baby to produce four pounds of mucous, nine pounds of poop, and five pounds of spit-up in a 24-hour period. The Law of Conservation of Matter does not apply here. Someone looking for a renewable energy resource needs to get on this. Note that I didn't say "clean", just "renewable".
3. Your wife won't think it's funny if you pump your fist and shout "Chug! Chug! Chug!" while she's feeding the baby. This is especially true if she's breast-feeding.
More to come, as the Little Overlord sees fit to clue me in.